Reality Check

Unfortunately, it's not a coincidence that it's been a while since my last post. Truth be told, I'm weary. First I blamed my funk on post winter break depression, then I attributed it to the dreary weather, and finally, imagined illnesses. But I think it's in the nature of the job.

It's like excitedly volunteering to help a friend in need. And of course the help that this friend needs is in the shape or form that is never easy to give-money, time, and/or an endless well of patience. You realize that there is a pattern forming where it requires you to give more than you receive. And you have this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that this friend will:

A) never ever change

B) suddenly shut you out

C) drain you till there isn't any more of you left

But you risk it because once you see your friend in a state of such vulnerability, there's no turning back. You jump, I jump.

Although they are my students, not friends, I am still dealing with real relationships with real human beings. And like the real world that they originate from, they're just as messed up as I am. I wonder how far we'll go with the blind leading the blind. There is more out of my control than in, and more that frustrates than placates.

Sometimes I want to dive into my imaginary world where all kids come to me with love-filled, happy hearts that overflows out into loving learning, each other, and their own accomplishments. There are fleeting moments when this magic happens and my heart swells with such happiness than I ever thought was possible from a "job". Meanwhile in this dry spell, I pray for strength because the last thing these kids need is another apathetic figure dimming into the darkness.