Low

Do you know when you've reached the lowest point? I'm talking about the dark floor of a cynical, seemingly never-ending abyss of a pit. It's when you let a 12 year old get the best of you.

An mortifying snapshot of my day consisted of me glaring at a student, arms flailing threateningly, while saying, "Don't be a coward! If you have something to say, then say it to my face!!!" Needless to say, I've reached a breaking point with this particular student and the intentionally audible muttering under his breath was the last straw.

As I felt the surge of anger charging the very ends of my arm hair, I couldn't help but wonder, "What the heck am I doing?" He's t-w-e-l-v-e. On top of that, he just spent the last minute arguing with me on how he thinks he's stupid but I don't. He's pocked with insecurity, rattled by anger, and hiding under a false armor of bravado. And there I am stooping to right where he wants me: livid, close-minded, and vengeful.

I just don't know whether my weapon of choice should be my heart or my brain when facing another battle day on Monday. I really just don't know.

Freewrite

I know that my previous entry was all about limiting error through a very controlled environment, but when dealing with real human beans, it's important to let loose once in awhile. That's when I like to offer up freewrites in which the students are encouraged to write freely without the restrictions of grammar, spelling, or rubric.

This freewrite's topic was: The hardest lesson I ever had to learn in life was to ___________. I learned this when____________________.

The responses ranged from:

"I don't really know what I'm saying now but the directions said to write at least one page."

"I really love expressing myself like this. It's awesome!!!"

I feel like I got the whole gamut of experiences. From physical pain, death (Oh Mr. Fluff, you white rabbit, why did you have to go to bunny heaven so soon?), and academic pressures, some revealed much while others veiled topics that were too personal. And though I could only lamely write "I can relate to you" "That is so true" "I think that the past pain has only made you stronger", I'm grateful for those who wrote freely.

Say Ahhhh...

To spoon-feed or not to spoon-feed?

This is a recurring question come lesson planning time.

Do I want to honor students' inherent intelligence by designing a free-form project or do I want to make airplane noises as I feed them explicit instructions? After being a victim of my own disastrous projects, I've learned that it is better to give a clear picture of my expectations rather than to trust students' creative liberties.

Case in point-this is the first time that I've offered such scaffolding to my annual movie project.

(Note the sentence starters in addition to little symbols)

Giving them sentence starters like this really made me doubt the academic rigor of my projects. If the other 7th grade English teachers strolled into my room, I would've furiously erased such traces of babying my students. However, I have to say that students scored higher on their movie projects this year than any other previous years.

Even if I had helped them step by step, the end result is all theirs, and I'm really proud of their work. They also seem extremely happy, so if they're happy and I'm happy, then maybe this spoon-feeding isn't such a bad thing after all.

For better or worse

Sometimes they simply break my heart.
During others, they fill it to the brim.

The high off of their successes is more addicting than any drug,
but their failures are toxins killing my hope.

Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about lessons.
Sometimes, I just wish I could turn my brain off.

Their innocence inspires me,

while their arrogance disappoints.

But isn't it grand to be in love,
even if it's with a job?

I'll hand it over to J. Johnson to say it much better than I ever can,

"Love is the answer to most of the questions in my heart...
it's so much better when we're together..."

Ready, Setting, Go!

Before I had a passport,

before the internet existed,

and before I had a disposable income,

there were books.

One of my favorites that I would borrow time and time again from the musty school library was Danny, the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl.

Especially during fall, before the vision of espresso and macarons in autumnal Paris swam in my mind, there was this:

“We lived in an old gypsy caravan behind a filling station. My father owned the filling station and the caravan and a small meadow behind, but that was about all he owned in the world. It was a very small filling station on a small country road surrounded by fields and woody hills.

…

Immediately behind the caravan was an old apple tree. It bore fine apples that ripened in the middle of September. You could go on picking them for the next four or five weeks. Some of the boughs of the tree hung right over the caravan and when the wind blew the apples down in the night, they landed on our roof. I would hear them going thump…thump…thump…”

It’s crazy to realize that all of my current travel dreams originated from a desire to lose myself in a writer’s imaginary setting. Even while preaching the power of literature as an occupation, I’m surprised to see how much reading has shaped the very fiber of my being.

I could spend my entire career trying to find a way to infect students with a passion for reading. In fact, I just might.

Crazy people

I can hear everything that goes on in my classroom. Ok, maybe not everything but pretty darn close to it because it’s a scientific fact that 7^th graders are incapable of whispering. What they “tactfully” say under their breath eventually travels its way into my ears…then again, maybe they meant for their comments to be heard. And what I’ve been hearing a lot lately is:

“Crazy.”

“She’s so weird.”

“What the…”

Truthfully, I don’t blame them. I would’ve thought the same things (keeping them to my timid teenage-self, however) and internally scoffed at my teacher when she busted out with the crazies. By crazies I mean that I unexpectedly break out into songs, I dance, and I even showed off my faux French (“Ah, vat iz dis? Do ve not know ze meaning of dis vard?”).

In my defense, I have purposely fallen off the rocker. Would it make sense if I told you that I’ve dreamt of being the weird English teacher who in her long muumuu and clacking bangles, was so in love with good literature that she didn’t care what anyone, especially her students, thought of her? What my students label as strange, I like to call passionate and fun. But I’m afraid that’s how every crazy person thinks.

But being crazy is so much fun!

SOS

Ask and you shall receive...

I really love the Staples commercials where a distressed person simply has to press the big red EASY button to solve all problems. That easy button is definitely on my wish list this year.

If I had that button before I would've probably broken it by now. The worst part about teaching is when I feel absolutely useless in helping a student to learn. Whether it's watching a student passively waste away their brains or actively annoy me to the point where I don't even want to help, nothing is as draining as observing a failing student.

So I hungrily devoured many a teaching guides, one of them being Tools For Teaching by Fred Jones. And thank God I did because what I found were some brilliant strategies to help every student, one of them being the Visual Instructional Plan. Translation-telling the students what to do with symbols or drawings:

End Result

So doodling in some symbols may not sound like a big deal, but it has saved me so much time and energy in terms of helping all students-from chronic handraisers to those who act they're too cool for school. I don't have to make anyone feel dumb as I just point to the board in response to their questions.

As for the bigger wishes, like having more patience, peace, and love for the students, I have to resort to greater powers. But right now, I challenge Monday to come my way. I welcome the month of October, and I'm beckoning an entire successful school year to unravel. I'm filled to the brim with love & hope. My prayers have been answered :]